Mediocre to the Core

And just as my life was good, it immediately goes right back to shit.

AP scores came out today.

I think the best word to describe me and my life in general is mediocre. Mediocre is defined as:

1.

of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate

That sounds about right. I've taken the ACT 4 times so far. The first time, when I was a sophomore, I got a 27. I was so excited, but only because I was naive to how everyone else scored. My sister's highest score was a 27, so I couldn't believe it. I took a class in the fall and then took the October ACT and OH MY GOD I SCORED A 31. I remember looking at the score and crying tears of joy. The first thing my mom did was pull up college websites to see where that score got me. I was looking at full-tuition. A 31 is the lowest possible score for full tuition at schools I really wanted to attend.

So after all of the good came all of the bad. The next ACT I had to take was in March, and it was nationwide. I got a 30. I went DOWN a point. When I looked at my score my heart dropped. I thought I was at least a 31. If anything I wanted to stay at a 31, if I couldn't increase my score. But no. I only went down. 

Unsatisfied with that result, I signed up for another class which only focused on science and English, then I took the ACT for my fourth time. I didn't even finish the math section nor the reading. And as soon as the scores came out, I knew I was screwed. I logged on and looked at my score, and I couldn't believe what I saw. I got another 30. 

My mom stood in my doorway expectantly, and all I could do was cry. I was 2 weeks into summer and I was still being dragged down by school stuff. I cried for at least an hour. I thought I would get maybe a 32. I prayed for one. But I stayed the same. Now I knew that a girl on my soccer team has a 32, my football-playing friend has a 34, and my boyfriend has a 33. And here I am with my 31. Thanks to years of being told I was smart and special I feel as if I've been slapped in the face. It turns out I'm not actually that smart or that special. I'm mediocre. 

Now, the last problem came two days ago when I got a text from my friend who is in California visiting family. For whatever reason, California was one of the first states able to access AP scores. So Farren was texting people asking for their AP log in information in order to send them their scores. I didn't know my log in info and I especially didn't want anyone else seeing my scores, so I asked my boyfriend if he wanted her to check. Sure enough he got a 4 in English, a 4 in Psychology, and a 3 in US History. He paraded his score around the house where his entire family celebrated how smart he is (understandably). 

This was a mistake. I should've never told him he could access his score. Because now I had someone to compare myself to. When I woke up this morning, a kid had posted on Facebook that scores were available. So I immediately went straight to my laptop and pulled up the AP website.

All 3s.

If this isn't mediocre, I honest to God don't know what is.

In May, I finished my Psych test and thought that I got a 3, if I were lucky maybe a 4. Then there was English. I wish I could put into words how confident I was that I at least got a 4. And after seeing my boyfriend's 4 I felt even more confident. I got the better teacher, and I had gotten 4s on the practice tests we took in class. Needless to say when I saw a 3 in English, that's what really got me. Lastly I expected a 2 in APUSH but I did get a 3. The only score the same as my boyfriend. 

I'm not going to continue ranting, but I'm just going to sum this up by saying how much I hate my school. My school constantly talks about how we are ranked in the top schools of the nation, and they brag about all of our great students and our awards we've won, blah blah blah. It's hard when from elementary school through eighth grade I've always been the best. I got all of the awards and excelled at everything I did. Little did I know then that it was because I never was challenged. I never had to compete against kids who take 7 AP classes per year. I didn't think anyone else was as smart as me. But all of my friends, my boyfriend, people on the football team, they're all smarter than  me. 

I am simply mediocre to the core.