Beach bae

The beach is fun until you start looking at pictures of yourself and cringe. I am so embarrassed about how much I've let myself go. I honestly need to shape up. Almost every picture my mom has taken of me on the beach I have begged her not to post anywhere. 

So, here's the thing, I just got the job at McAlisters. I have been talking to my best friend and we intend on joining a gym together now that we can both afford paying for it. I have 10 whole months until I graduate. If I lose an average of 5 pounds a month I will be at my goal weight of 130 pounds. I am aiming mor toward 140 because of my thighs (very muscular) plus 140 leaves room for mistakes. 

I won't be playing soccer until spring. I would honestly love to end my senior year healthy, fit, and successful. I know my health has held me back from succeeding at soccer before but I refuse to fail again. I will be an adult in May. It's time to start acting like one. 

Also, on a side note, I went banana boating today. It was one of the worst experiences of my life. 

Here's a pic of me before I knew what I was getting myself into.  

Felt Up and Feeling Down

Sorry I didn't post yesterday (it's not like anyone reads this thing anyway). I felt pretty great yesterday though. I overslept until 11:30 and was supposed to pick Justin up at 12:15. So an hour later I was at his house and on my way to the Cheesecake Factory. Oh my heavens that food was excellent. I haven't been there in about five years since my parents awful anniversary dinner that ended in tears. 

So after a Caesar salad and a fried Mac n cheese hamburger, we went to see 22 jump street. I am so glad Justin suggested a date night (afternoon really). I didn't realize how much I needed it. 

After 22 Jump Street I went to his house to drop him off then ended up staying to watch Mean Girls (which is now on netflix!!). I was about to go home for dinner and my mom invited him over. So we had chicken and watched gossip girl while I knitted my scarf, then we played Pictionary with my parents. It was a lovely day. 

Today, however, was not as great. I stayed up till midnight the night before which is early to be honest, just to be on tumblr but then I woke up at 9. I love sleep and I haven't gotten any this summer. 9 hours was not enough. 

I had my appointment this morning but I didn't get out of bed in time to take a shower. I feel disgusting. I got to the doctor and was the youngest person in the room by at least 30 years. I waited and readers of TSITP (which I intend on finishing by tonight or tomorrow). Once I got called back, I changed into a smock thing and had my ultrasound. Last night I looked up pictures of breast ultrasounds with cysts and mine looked similar but not identical to the pictures I found last night. I hope that's a good sign. 

Afterwards we went to IHOP and then the party store. I'm having a pool party for a friend from France tomorrow and I'm beyond excited. Other than that all I've done is straighten up the pool and I'm working at my moms school tonight. I wish I could just have a day alone to read and sleep. That would be ideal. 

Oh. And I found my necklace my grandparents bought me. ~relief~ eventful day. 

Fifth Time's a Charm

Well it's official. I'm taking the ACT again, even if it causes me to have a nervous breakdown. Which has been happening a lot lately.

I made the mistake of telling my parents that I changed my mind, that I didn't want to take the ACT again. The worst part is I told them in public. Crying in public is actually awful.

After I said I didn't want to do it, to sum up about 30 minutes of arguing, my parents have come to the conclusion that 1. A 31 is good, but not good enough. It's not going to be enough to get me as much money as they want me to get. 2. Yes, they realize I've taken the ACT four times and that I have gotten a 30 the past 2 times, but they believe that the fifth time around I will definitely get at least a 32. But if I get a 30 again, that's okay, because I pushed myself to fail again. And 3. I'm an underachiever. I basically do enough to get by, which isn't good enough. I never go all the way, I never get straight A's, and compared to anyone else who wants the same scholarship as me, I'm practically toast.

So while these are valid statements, they completely contradict what I've been told before. That's the part that really gets me. First of all, when I got a 30, it shows where I'm ranked in the country. I'm in the top 97th percentile. And that's all they would keep telling me. I was beating myself up for a 30 and they kept telling me how good that was. (Which, out of the blue, it suddenly isn't good anymore?) Before I took the ACT for the fourth time, I was also told that it was the last time I would ever have to take it. Well I guess what they actually meant is that it would be the last time as long as I got the score they wanted. So I have to take it again, including my third class, as long as I get the score they want. I'm sure if I get a 30 the fifth time then I'll go in for round six, because I'm a slacker and I honestly need to get my act together. How dare me take two classes and the test four times and let them down. I'm pretty selfish. And I don't try hard. Obviously.

I think I'm just going to give up any kind of happiness and prove to my parents that I do try. I understand it won't be trying hard enough, but maybe, just maybe, they'll recognize my efforts.

Mediocre to the Core

And just as my life was good, it immediately goes right back to shit.

AP scores came out today.

I think the best word to describe me and my life in general is mediocre. Mediocre is defined as:

1.

of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate

That sounds about right. I've taken the ACT 4 times so far. The first time, when I was a sophomore, I got a 27. I was so excited, but only because I was naive to how everyone else scored. My sister's highest score was a 27, so I couldn't believe it. I took a class in the fall and then took the October ACT and OH MY GOD I SCORED A 31. I remember looking at the score and crying tears of joy. The first thing my mom did was pull up college websites to see where that score got me. I was looking at full-tuition. A 31 is the lowest possible score for full tuition at schools I really wanted to attend.

So after all of the good came all of the bad. The next ACT I had to take was in March, and it was nationwide. I got a 30. I went DOWN a point. When I looked at my score my heart dropped. I thought I was at least a 31. If anything I wanted to stay at a 31, if I couldn't increase my score. But no. I only went down. 

Unsatisfied with that result, I signed up for another class which only focused on science and English, then I took the ACT for my fourth time. I didn't even finish the math section nor the reading. And as soon as the scores came out, I knew I was screwed. I logged on and looked at my score, and I couldn't believe what I saw. I got another 30. 

My mom stood in my doorway expectantly, and all I could do was cry. I was 2 weeks into summer and I was still being dragged down by school stuff. I cried for at least an hour. I thought I would get maybe a 32. I prayed for one. But I stayed the same. Now I knew that a girl on my soccer team has a 32, my football-playing friend has a 34, and my boyfriend has a 33. And here I am with my 31. Thanks to years of being told I was smart and special I feel as if I've been slapped in the face. It turns out I'm not actually that smart or that special. I'm mediocre. 

Now, the last problem came two days ago when I got a text from my friend who is in California visiting family. For whatever reason, California was one of the first states able to access AP scores. So Farren was texting people asking for their AP log in information in order to send them their scores. I didn't know my log in info and I especially didn't want anyone else seeing my scores, so I asked my boyfriend if he wanted her to check. Sure enough he got a 4 in English, a 4 in Psychology, and a 3 in US History. He paraded his score around the house where his entire family celebrated how smart he is (understandably). 

This was a mistake. I should've never told him he could access his score. Because now I had someone to compare myself to. When I woke up this morning, a kid had posted on Facebook that scores were available. So I immediately went straight to my laptop and pulled up the AP website.

All 3s.

If this isn't mediocre, I honest to God don't know what is.

In May, I finished my Psych test and thought that I got a 3, if I were lucky maybe a 4. Then there was English. I wish I could put into words how confident I was that I at least got a 4. And after seeing my boyfriend's 4 I felt even more confident. I got the better teacher, and I had gotten 4s on the practice tests we took in class. Needless to say when I saw a 3 in English, that's what really got me. Lastly I expected a 2 in APUSH but I did get a 3. The only score the same as my boyfriend. 

I'm not going to continue ranting, but I'm just going to sum this up by saying how much I hate my school. My school constantly talks about how we are ranked in the top schools of the nation, and they brag about all of our great students and our awards we've won, blah blah blah. It's hard when from elementary school through eighth grade I've always been the best. I got all of the awards and excelled at everything I did. Little did I know then that it was because I never was challenged. I never had to compete against kids who take 7 AP classes per year. I didn't think anyone else was as smart as me. But all of my friends, my boyfriend, people on the football team, they're all smarter than  me. 

I am simply mediocre to the core.

Life is Good

Finally it feels like summer. For the past few weeks after school ended I've continuously had to get up early to do stuff. But this weekend was finally a break. Friday was alright but it didn't really feel like the Fourth of July. I got a decent tan and then Justin picked me up and we headed to the lake. 

After his car broke down I was scared we weren't going to be able to do anything fun. But the car was basically the least of everyone's concern. I think Justin's family likes me. I hope! His cousins are the cutest things ever. I just wish we stayed one more day. We went out on the water for like 2 hours tops. But that's okay because everything else we did was still fun. I wouldn't trade this weekend for the world. 

Crazed, Confused, and Crying

Well college visit #2 was successful... A little too successful. WKU was amazing and I was in love with it, but compared to UK, it's just good. UK is huge. It's in the middle of Lexington. And the honors college dorms? Breathtaking. I think the dorms that I could possibly be staying in are bigger than future apartments I could live in. 

The trip was great and all, but now I have even more decisions to make.  I told my parents that the college I choose will most likely be based on who offers me the most money.

At WKU with a min. 31 ACT score and min. 3.8 GPA I could get a full ride. Key word: could. At UK with a 31 min. ACT score and 3.5 GPA min. I could get a full ride. There's that could again. 

So my first decision that I've 70% made is to take the ACT again. I have a 31 on my ACT but that puts me right on the edge of scholarship money. My GPA  is a 3.77 which cancels out the full ride at WKU. If I could bump up my ACT score by at least two points, I would be satisfied. 

Another thing both universities look at is what you do outside of school. I volunteer and I'm in 3 volunteer-oriented clubs at school. But I also need a job. So either today or tomorrow I'm applying to the Mcgallisters up the street. 

I feel like I'll do fine wherever I go and get a decent scholarship, but I know I can do better. The last thing I want is to go to college with only a few thousand dollars in scholarship money because I didn't take the time to push myself one extra step. 

I just have to say that I'll be glad when this is all over. 

Lumpy and Stressed

Okay, I know I shouldn't be worried about this, but no matter what I'm doing, there's a little voice in the back of my mind reminding me of what's wrong.

It was only three days before my period when I noticed the pain. My left breast was aching. At first I was sure it was the normal tenderness I got in my nipples before my period. But this time it was different. The pain was pulsing throughout my entire breast. When I touched it, pain shot through my body and I noticed that my breast was rock hard. After feeling around some, I found a lump.

Now, I would've immediately freaked out and called the doctor if this had not happened before. When I was 10 or 11 I had found lumps in my breasts, and the doctors reassured me they were just cysts. Harmless but occasionally painful. I researched breast cysts online and found out that to help with the pain I could take Vitamin E.

It's been about a week and the pain has alleviated. The only problem is that I've been taking 800 mg of Vitamin E a day since Thursday June 26. I started my period three days later. The pain is going away, but does that mean the pain was caused by my period or does it mean the Vitamin E took care of the pain?

I went to the doctor on Monday, June 30 and I have an ultrasound on my breast scheduled for Thursday July 10. I wouldn't be so worried if it weren't for the fact that the doctor said that the pain was a good sign. But the pain is gone now. So is that a bad sign?

Stressed over a breast!!!

Past, Present, Future

Past, Present, Future

The month of July is about to be crazy. I have so much to look forward to, and so much I need to get done in the next 29 days. I'll be going to four different states within this month and I'll be making some pretty big decisions. 

When I was cleaning my room today, I found a box full of old notes from middle school. I also found some notes from 2013. It's not even been an entire year since I've written some of those notes and so much has changed. I keep thinking about how it used to be, and then my mind wanders to how it will be, but I just can't seem to focus on the now. 

I went on a trip to WKU yesterday, and I loved it. I can picture myself going there, going to football games and bonding with my roomie, hopefully going to the gym together and leading the independent lifestyle I've been longing since high school started. 

The only problem is that this is the first college I have visited. I don't want to just fall in love with WKU because I'm in love with the idea of being hours away from parental figures and in love with the idea of having no curfew and a cute little town to venture into whenever I want. 

Tomorrow I suppose I'll clear some things up when I visit the University of Kentucky. I go down there often because my sister is there, and I already know that I love Lexington. I'm afraid I'll choose to go to UK simply because of the comfort knowing Elyssa will be just a few minutes away and that I can rely on her for helping me make friends. Who knows?

Anyways, I'm just ranting now. So I'm going to end it here. I want to try to blog everyday and attach some kind of picture that goes with the day. I am always too lazy to write in a diary, but I do think I can keep up with this. I had fun tonight looking back in the past through notes, and I can't wait until I'm a senior in college looking back on this and laughing about how stressed I was.